Gettyburg's Stain

April 10, 1861

“The crops are getting pretty tall there….”

“Hmm….”

I sighed as Jim ate an apple, fresh from the orchard. It was dark red and made me hungry.

“Come now, Jim! I am mighty sorry!”

“You insulted everything I know.” Jim chucked his core in the dirt and started walking back to the house. I quietly followed him trying to fall within his step.

“Jim….”

“Be quiet, Jeff. Talking doesn’t suit you.” I turned my head away from him and stared at the ground. Mum called from the porch for dinner and I hastily walked to the table.

July 2, 1863

It was all grim at Gettysburg. Yesterday, there was a day of fighting and I had survived, but on the 2nd we had captured the hill. I was at Little Round Top under the command of Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain. Colonel Otaes was driving his men up to gain control of the high ground. His men were getting exhausted just by climbing up it. They hardly stood a chance. Of course, we were running of ammunition, but I still had to protect Little Round Top at all costs, as General Meade clearly stated. I prepared my rifle and aimed at the soiled, sweating soldiers clawing their way up that hill.

April 10, 1861

Mum looked nervously at both of us, “Are you boys getting along?”

I opened my mouth to speak but Jim got there first, “We are good enough, Ma.” Jim continued eating.

“You ain’t joining the army are you?” There was a sudden fear in her voice.

I stared down at my plate and started moving my food about. I couldn’t just look at her and tell her that Jim was going to join the Confederacy. Ever since Pa died, I have feared for her health. And knowing Jim… he had too.

“Jim? Jeff? Don’t be hiding anything from me…,” Mum tried to keep her voice steady, but it quivered with fear and rage.

I looked up at Jim. I could tell he was thinking by the way his face looked. It was relaxed, yet his eyes tingled with intensity.

July 2, 1863

Rounds of firing guns choked the air with gun powder. The echoes of thunder pounding in my ears. I started coughing and flinched at the sound. No matter how many times they fired the weapons off, I could never help but feel dirty and tainted. I always felt I was doing something wrong, but it was out of my control to do anything about it because, I had too. If I didn’t… I could be tried for treason.

The first line of Confederates dropped like they hit a wall. I still didn’t fire my rifle. I was hesitant for one reason only.

April 10, 1861

“I’m joining the Confederates, Ma.” I could barely hear him.

“Why? Aren’t the way things are good enough for you?”

“No, Ma.”

I rose from my seat irritably, “This again! Why?! The Confederates are cowards! Instead of working out their problems, they acted like children running away! I’m glad we do not have to bear the burden of them! It’s not like we have slaves ourselves!”

Jim glared at me, “Do you really think the North would have listened to their cries?! If the South is childish, then what about them? What makes you think that the North was going to change their arrogant ways and let the Southern brothers live carrying on their own way of life?”

“Ha! So do you support slavery? Owning a person’s body and treating them like rubbish! Property?! Is that what you believe?!”

“How dare you!” Jim then stood up and Mum paled, “I thought you knew me, Jeff!”

“That’s what I thought until I discovered were your loyalty lies.”

“Slavery is the base of the South’s economy, Kentucky’s economy! If we get rid of that… then we’ll all be in ruins!”

I retorted, “So when is money more important than freedom? Your talk of economy is not true. If it’s such a debated base then why spread slavery to the territories! The North said the South could keep it, they just didn’t want it to spread!”

“The Union, however, won’t live and let live. They’re tyrants giving us orders!” Jim slammed his fist down on the table, causing the plates to rattle.

“The Union is trying to keep the dream of our forefathers! Why did we fight the Revolution for?! ‘All men are created equal…’ Don’t you think slaves are men? They do much harder and tiring work everyday!”

“Do you think that I didn’t think about my choice? That I randomly picked one?”

I lowered my voice, “I’m just saying to reconsider. Think of the consequences, Jim. Do you really think that I can take care of myself and Mum? You’re always the one who got me out of trouble. Are you going to betray us? Are you going to betray your country?” Jim and I knew not to bring up one issue. Death. Mum would be horrified. Hopefully she wasn’t thinking about that.

I waited for Mum to start talking some sense into Jim, but there was only silence for a time.

Mum broke it, “How about you, Jeff?”

I resumed staring at my plate and muttered, “I hope that day shall not come.” A sigh escaped Mum’s lips.

July 2, 1863

“Jeff!” I turned to see Sam Hunter glaring at me. “Are you on our side or theirs? Do not get a reputation of a shirker! Fire already!” I nodded and shot at a Rebel furiously charging up the hill. I started reloading. The gray Rebel fell down stiffly but aimed his musket at me. I froze in terror. He fired. A cry of distress came as Sam plunged to the ground, as he had been shot. He reached for his arm. His uniform was now torn and blood stained. I finished reloading my gun and fired back, hitting the Rebel again in the chest. He fell down and stayed there. I winced when he hit the ground. “Sam!” I shook him a bit. “Sam! Are you alive?” He mumbled something that wasn’t clear but sounded as he just wanted to lie there. “Just stay there! I’ll catch up with you later!” I frowned and nervously started shooting again.

April 15, 1861

I remember that day when Jim left us. His face was sullen, but amazingly fresh and robust. Tough as a knot, really. Mum did not weep as I had expected. She stood there silently and watched him leave. Jim did not turn back as I would have thought. It seemed the whole world was upside down!

“Jeff. I can tell you want to join the army. Don’t let an old woman stop you.”

“But, Mum! What abo-“

“Don’t argue. I’ll be gone before this turmoil ends. I’ll have no regrets of letting you leaving Kentucky to join the Union.” She ruffled my hair. I didn’t cringe away like I usually do. “You look just like your father.”

July 2, 1863

I certainly don’t like Pa now! To think that a few days ago I said I would gladly die right then and there if I was squeaky clean for a minute. What a fool I was.

We were running out of supplies, so Company B went to get reinforcements. It seemed like the Rebs had more men. Taking a deep breath and wiping the sweat from my brow, I continued fighting. Somehow I was hoping for a miracle.

A stench I didn’t notice before rapidly wafted its way to my senses. The stink made me even more nervous than I was before. I anxiously kept shooting, but at the same time, I was trying to figure out what the smell was. It was musky and thick, a sign that it was coming from a nearby source.

Abruptly, Chamberlain hollered more orders. All the soldiers around me fixed their bayonets. Glinting menacingly, our shiny, silvery weapons advanced on the awaiting, ill-fated Rebels. I promptly followed, fearing for the worst. The land was littered with rocks, twigs, and bodies, dead and alive. Some of the living bodies were decapitated, while others crawling on the ground, screaming and crying about death and their families. My face curled up sickened. I hastened my step and stepped in line next to Sam. He was wincing and holding his injured arm which cradled his rifle. As I came nearer he let go of his arm and put the rifle in attacking position. It seemed he still wanted to fight.

“You are doing well?” I asked breathlessly.

“It is just a flesh wound. Nothing to go to the Sawbones for,” he shuddered as he spoke of the surgeon. “No matter. Keep in step. Sometimes you seem like a Fresh Fish! You should stop wasting your breath talking to me. We have a war to fight!”

I nodded in response, and then turned my sight to the blood-spattered collision that lay ahead. Where was Company B? I nervously wondered as we approached the Rebels. Did they fail? I tried to make sense about what was going on. Will my body buried here? Everyone around me was stabbing at each other. Blood was emptying from the wounded and deceased on the ground as if it was rain and the howls of the dead were as common as wind now. I gazed at the nightmare around me I was shocked and angered. A sound of running footsteps came from my behind me and I whirled around, readied to meet a Johnny. My perspiring finger was slipping on the trigger as I heard a voice from the now motionless Reb.

“Jeff?” The skeleton’s voice was shuddering with feeling but it was barely audible. “Is that you?” He dropped his musket and leaned forward for a brief embrace. “When did you join the Union, Jeff?”

I stared blankly at the gray suited warrior. Then I finally connected the Rebel to my brother. I yelled over the clattering of bayonets, gunshots and bullets, “Jim?!” The skeleton nodded and started coughing blood. Startled, I let go of his arms and he fell to the ground. “Jim! Are you all right?” A few bullets whizzed past my ear. I bent down to be a smaller target.

“I have gotten ill.” The coughs continued. “But, I didn’t want to go to the doctor.”

“I’ll take you to the hospital. Come with me.”

I started to pick him up but he continued to talk, “I don’t want to go there Jeff. It’s a horrible place. I never should have gone away from you and Ma. I was a fool. Just finish me right here.”

“What are you saying? You want me to kill you?”

He smiled weakly, “You’ll understand.”

“But …”

Unexpectedly, Company B, appeared out of nowhere and surrounded the Johnnies saving many of our men. I aimed my bayonet at Jim. He closed his eyes and I thought he was sleeping. I began to think quickly. Should I kill him? What would Mum say? He is family. Would it be right? But he is pleading. He is going to die anyway! He did betray the Union! He betrayed Kentucky! And He betrayed Mum and Me! He knew there was a chance he would if he joined the South! I joined the Union army because of my belief in the Union cause, and because of that, I have to kill Rebels. He’s being so selfish putting all this pressure on me. Aghhh!!! I growled in frustration and raised the rifle above my head. He’s on the other side. It’s my duty. I signed up for my country. And Mum… said I could go. She must have thought of that. A holler rang through my ears as I collapsed on the ground.

June 8, 1867

We won the battle and the war, President Lincoln has been murdered, Reconstruction is taking part in the South, and I am roaming the country. I said my farewells to Sam at the celebration when the war ended and we still write letters to each other. I didn’t even notice this diary until I emptied the sack, where all my belongings over the years have been held.

I couldn’t go back home. What would I say to Mum? I killed your son. I’m sorry. He asked me to! Yes. I killed him. You may think I am irrational but I will explain.

My brother and I fought this war for what we believed in. Refusing to kill one person in a group, but killing the rest, is two-faced. Not that I enjoy others suffering because they too, had a belief. To leave him there, dying, was horrible. He was my brother, and I answered his wish. I have regretted the action, but only for a few moments.

I have finally realized what that stench was… ignorance. Seeing all the blood and the dead bodies, all the suffering, the screams, I understand that we could have settled this if we weren’t ignorant. If only we took the time to actually see why we believed so strongly. Hardly any of us saw it at the time. So now I will repent for what I have done in that dreadful experience and roam the Earth until I die.